I like my face. I tend to neglect it sometimes, especially in regards to regular grooming efforts and just my ears in general (if you’re sick enough to pay attention to how your ears look, you’re beyond help), but I don’t really have a choice but to like my face. We all should like our faces. None of us have the best face (assuming you’re not reading this, 1997 Leonardo DiCaprio) but it’s the first thing people judge you on, so you should take a little pride in what you’ve got going on up there regardless of its unavoidable imperfections. Which is why you should take it seriously when I say the following: I’m going to willfully disfigure my face for the next 30 days, and I want you to decide how I do it.
Edit: If you don’t want to read the whole post, here’s how you enter. Go here: http://mobro.co/mdnelson. Donate money. However much you want. Every dollar counts as an entry. I tell you if you win. You tell me what to grow. That simple, folks.
My first effort at growing a mustache came in November 2010, when my former boss tried to rally some troops to join him in Movember. He lasted about three days, but a few of us went the distance and had full-blown mustaches by Thanksgiving (or, in some cases, a disturbing excess of peach fuzz on our upper lips – you know who you are). I mostly did it as a joke, but also did it for a purpose – to get some money to raise awareness and support research for men’s health issues.* Well, this year I’m doing it again, with a much stronger purpose, and a much jokier way of reaching my goals. And that’s where you all come in.
*Speaking of raising awareness – be more aware of your own body. Dudes, go get checked out by a doctor this month – when’s the last time you got a physical? That’s the whole point of this initiative. I’m going to do it, even though my doctor’s a whacko who won’t even shake my hand (because he’s afraid of germs – can’t think of a better way to tell your patients you have absolute confidence in your craft). Even if you’re too stubborn to think this is important, remember that someone out there actually does care about your health. Go do it for them. It takes 20 minutes. Don’t be a butt.
I want one of you to design my mustache. And all you have to do is donate to the Movember mission on my behalf – tell me at what point this stops being awesome for you. For every dollar that you donate to my Movember campaign, you’ll receive one entry into the contest. The winner will be selected completely at random, but obviously, the more you spend, the better your chances are. So go to my page right now and get your name in: http://mobro.co/mdnelson. I do have a couple of guidelines I’d like you to abide by though.
My #1 rule, of course, is that you cannot choose for me to sport the Michael Jordan mustache. You all know the Jordan. Wait, what’s that? We all, as a nation, collectively decided to forget that Michael Jordan casually donned a “Hitler mustache” during a commercial that was shown frequently during national broadcasts? Okay then. Keep holding selective grudges, America! Kanye’s a scumbag! Ray Lewis is the best! So then I guess the #1 rule is that you can’t have me wear a “Hitler mustache.”
That actually leads right into my second rule – don’t pick a mustache that heavily relies on the “Hitler ‘stache” region of my face (sorry if that’s an insensitive way to put it, but what am I supposed to do? Highlight that in an image directly under this paragraph, so I don’t just keep saying “Hitler ‘stache”? Oh.). Everyone has their flaws, and my biggest is my lack of attention span disinterest in people’s asinine problems that take up 90% of daily conversation inability to start conversations, especially with members of the opposite sex refusal to acknowledge that politics are more important than catching up on 30 Rock wardrobe
uncontrollable weakness within 10 meters of a McChicken failure to grow hair strongly in that region of my face. So don’t make me do that. Thanks.
And that’s about it. I’ll do the drawing and announce the winner at noon on October 31st and expect the winner to give me my grooming orders before mid-day on November 1st. If I don’t hear back from you by the end of work on that day, I’m moving on to someone else. I need to start shaving in that design on November 2nd, hence the urgency. And make sure I can contact you to tell you that you won – if I don’t have your phone number, e-mail address, Facebook account or Twitter name, we’ll probably run into an issue there. Use whatever method you want to communicate the ‘stache you’d like me to try growing (send me a picture of someone else with it, draw it on a piece of paper and overnight it to me, put a fake mustache on yourself and point at it in front of me, or just say words to me – anything that doesn’t involve mustaching an animal is good with me), but try to be realistic – it’s 30 days, and I’m not going to have Teddy Roosevelt caliber facial hair to work with in that time frame. See what I ended up with last time (don’t make me post another picture, just look up), as a frame of reference.
I’m devoting my credibility, my professionalism, my ability to drink milk, and my rabid sex appeal to this cause for 30 days. I hope you can muster up at least a few dollars to support me in my mission, and more importantly, to help guys stay healthy and get healthy.