Believe it or not, I have a few friends. I wanted some different perspectives on the Super Bowl, since everyone on the Internet is going to be saying the same stuff.  So I tapped into my resources, asked some people to write about one thing each, and we came out with this result.  Let the weird begin.

Done with Chobani 
by Big Jim the Telephone Pole

I can’t believe they cut this ad short.  It was the only one I was really looking forward to.  Done with Chobani.

Here’s what they cut…

The bear opens a sewer cover and climbs down to the underbelly of the city.  He splashes through the green river of sewage and turns a corner.  There he encounters a professor in a sewer laboratory and drops the yogurt on the ground before him.

PROFESSOR

Well done. Your clothes are in the corner.  Once the transformation is complete, please get dressed before I have to look at you.

The professor takes the yogurt from the bear and peels back the aluminum.  He makes to pour it into a beaker, but catches a whiff and swoons from the sweet sweet smell.  He swirls his finger in the cup and tastes it.  His eyes widen and he smiles as he devours the rest of the cup.  The bear mauls him and runs off into the depths of the sewers.

That Stinks
by Bags

Personally, I felt that Heinz dropping however many million dollars on a Super Bowl ad was a waste of money, for reasons that actually speak highly of Heinz.  They have an iconic product, and are one of the only brands that I consistently choose over competitors and generics.  Hunt’s and generics can’t be trusted.  Heinz is the only ketchup that doesn’t taste weird.

But that aside, I didn’t like a couple of the moves in this commercial.  They were off to a good start by focusing on the act of getting ketchup out of their glass bottles, something everyone can relate to.  But they missed the opportunity to incorporate the urban legend that the most efficient way to get ketchup out is to hit the 57 on the neck of the bottle.  They even mention this on their website (http://www.heinz.com/our-company/press-room/trivia.aspx): “To release ketchup faster from the glass bottle, apply a firm tap to the sweet spot on the neck of the bottle— the ’57.’ Only 11% of people know this secret. Now you’re ‘in-the-know.’”  If only 11% of people know, then this commercial could have been a nice teaching moment for America.  But instead, 100% of the actors in the commercial strike the bottom of the bottle.

My biggest issue with the commercial though is the final scene in which an elderly woman applies ketchup to her french fries using a plastic, Heinz squeeze bottle.  The plastic bottle makes a fart noise and grandma is then handed a glass bottle.

Associating your food product with farts is suspect at best.  I would go so far as to say that it’s unappetizing.  I was also confused by the ending.  Are they ditching the squeeze bottles altogether?  If so, why not go the self-deprecating route like the clear winner of the night, Radio Shack, who poked fun of its dated stores.  “The 80s called and wants their store back” was funny, endearing, and even piqued my interest in what the new Radio Shack’s will be like.  Maybe something like “your butt called and wants its noises back” could have been the play here for Heinz.  “Avoid those awkward moments on dates and business lunches with our iconic glass bottles.”  Something like that.

Ultimately, I think Heinz would have been best served by just leaving the whole fart thing alone.  Go with a “classic American product” theme like Coca Cola or Chrysler, but don’t associate your best selling food product with farts.  That stinks.

Wish You Were Creepier
by Captain Sassypants

Given that I felt uncomfortable watching this ad the way it was, here are some ways I could have been significantly more disturbed, along with my reactions and what I expect the nation at large would say.

Scenario 1
It’s a bull driving a dude down to a lady farm.

America: Women/men are not pieces of meat.
Me: Earth’s inevitable animal takeover is nothing to make light of, and I couldn’t be more afraid right now.

Scenario 2
When the cowboy opens the door to let the bull out, the trailer dumps out a pile of steak.

America: That’s sick, this country needs to cut back its unhealthy red meat fetish – and what is this, cow cannibalism?
Me: If I just wiped the grass off, is that still good to eat? And what happened to that handsome bull?

Scenario 3
The entire ad is just a bull and a cow licking their lips at each other.

America: Ad agencies are trying so hard to be weird, ugh.
Me: Great peanut butter ad.

Scenario 4
He drops the bull off at a ranch full of other bulls, and they all lick their lips.

America: Bulls can/cannot be attracted to other bulls; it is/isn’t their choice!
Me: Add about 20 McChickens, throw on Bell Bottom Blues, and make sure none of these bulls talk to a cow, and this is basically every road trip I’ve taken in the past 10 months.

Scenario 5
They zoom in on the “hot sausage” sign, freeze there for 3 seconds, then zoom out to show Louie Anderson licking his lips at the store owner. 

America: Oh that’s disgusting. I think they’re just trying to make me feel weird so I remember their ad.
Me: Lady, you better check the fridge, the freezer and every store within a 20-mile radius because Papa Louie’s in town and that belly never taps out.

…and for those who only watched the Puppy Bowl

Puppy Bowl Exposed, Millions Just Read “Puppy” and Go “Awwww” 
by Checkers

Over the past few days, controversy has swirled around Puppy Bowl X. Over the last decade, Animal Planet’s “Big Game” has amassed a loyal, passionate, and ever-expanding fan base. Ever-expanding are the demands of that fan base and of big-ticket sponsors, and it has been rumored that executives for Discovery communications have crumbled under the pressure to meet these demands. They have been accused of fraudulence, nepotism, and plagiarism, just to name a few of the most egregious allegations, to keep the game at a high level.

Loyal fans who viewed the Big Game from home became suspicious of their counterparts at the live event relatively early in the broadcast. It appeared to many of the viewers at home that the people in the stands were what this blogger can only describe as “2-dimensional.” A simple image search for “Puppy Bowl X” will reveal tens of photographs that suggest the crowd are actually nothing but graphic art renditions of faceless human torsos whose shirt color is derived from some computed algorithm. It has been suggested that Discovery Communications synthesized fans to give a false impression of enthusiasm for the event.

Referee Dan Schachner and halftime special guest performer [Fake] Keyboard Cat have been individual targets of enraged fans as well. Schachner is rumored to be the puppet of Executive Producer Melinda Toporoff, who, according to a report from Variety, instructed Schachner to call no more than one penalty on any one competitor throughout the game in order to “keep the broadcast relatively clean.” This rule was broken by Schachner only to target fan favorite Ginger, an Old English Sheepdog mix.

Loyal fans question the integrity of the decision to put the medium above the competition but are even more incensed by Schachner’s penchant to invent penalties as he goes, flagging competitors for “whining” or “illegal bathing.”

Schachner being the sole arbiter for the Big Game would seem to control it with an iron fist; however, his ability to control the matchup came into question as a record amount of defecation amassed on the field. More controversy surrounds Toporoff’s integrity and transparency as she claims that the dung is “easy to fix” with “careful editing.”